ROMANTIC RIVALS

 ROMANTIC RIVALS

Misery loves company but third-wheeling when someone is getting dumped has to be a top tier draining feeling. Mediation is a extreme sport folks.

This one time,my guy Ochi wasn't in good terms with the 'laugh and love' of his life. So like a good homie, I had to intervene. Bros before hoes. Ochi asks for my wisdom and like an upcoming village elder,I suggest a cool place by the river.I could have chosen a restaurant but what if a fight ensures and they break chairs?or even worse,a bottle comes landing on my face?Modern problems require modern solutions. Risks are only for entrepreneurs.

Friday is here,the day for our meeting.Atleast a reconciliation before weekend.This couple has to party and forget the past.Koffi Annan has nothing on us.

This babe shows up at 3pm.What a time keeper.She is in a sundress fahm! " She must really be ready to mend things.Rare species this one." I tell myself.She is with her kid brother.He looks young.Probably in lower primary.The little man is lively.From how he likes Ochi,you can tell they are more than in-laws.

Fast forward,I realise my power couple don't have their usual greeting and kissing sessions.Tension is here.I come up with another strategy.I summon Ochi to sit on my right and the damsel on the left. Court is in session!

Things are getting out of hand pretty fast. Ochi is mad.He accuses the damsel of serious grave offenses.Ochi says they had agreed to do a brain surgery for the girl to reduce her forehead but she turned it down.Her words,"If I ever need a brain transplant, I'll be sure not to ask for yours 'cause I'd not like a brain that has never been used before"She also says Ochi blows food to cool it down.

 "I know,Ochi doesn't have a strong tongue game" I cut her short

"You friend is unromantic." Tears building in her eyes.Ochi? Unromantic?I doubt.Not my hommie.Ochi has been giving us tips on how to bag girls in this side of town.She must be nuts.

She goes ahead and calls Ochi a pervert who goes to bed with hammers and ropes. "BDSM.Its called BDSM" I try explaining.

"Even you!" She shouts."Those things are demonic." Turns to Ochi,"Next time find better friends my dear Ochi.Now I know why you're weird.Its your crew"

She cries louder this time.The little man she came with sees his sister crying and joins the wailing ceremony.

Now my guy Ochi looks like he has abandoned his whole family and I'm his bodyguard.

The journey back home was for the books.Did I tell you we came with our bikes?Ochi couldn't manage to cycle this time.We had to stop atleast three times for him to vomit.This wasn't the plan. I'm a stranger here!Homie would throw up and heave like he had been poisoned.Poisoned by the end of love.Do you know how heartbroken you have to be to park a bicycle and lie down like a video vixen in a RnB song?

Just when you think its done,the damsel calls and asks if we're okey!Bruh! I'm vexed! The nerve!The cheek!The gumption!The audacity and the witch of this bitch!Who raised her? Does she know who Ochi's father is?

Ochi is now screaming.Poor son of Zakayo.It took us 5 hours to reach Ochi's hole in his dad's compound.He had to drink water so at least he gets some tears to cry better.

Low-key I was impressed.My pal had to find a purpose.In the very end,something must kill a man!

So I beseech you fahm,you can do anything through Christ who strengthens you but just don't ask me for a relationship advice!

@AnotherKenyan