WHAT DO WOMEN WANT?

 *WHAT DO WOMEN WANT?*

One thing about My friend Kuttah and I, we don't have to plan things.They just happen. We're good people,but bad things happen to good people. We attract chaos.

So when my ex and baby mama Leotina started calling me,he advised that I change my identity and phone number.

 "Money doesn't fall from trees man. What are you going to give them?" My man asked that evening after joints. Then boundaries folks! I am big on boundaries. We settled on a plan.

To ensure safety,I visited the nearest Safaricom agent and asked for a sim card that had been used before. I got a 0707****. The attendant said it had been reassigned thrice before.It would help in confusing the devil. "Perfect". I tipped him, inserted the card and switched off my previous numbers. Good riddance!

The first week was excellent.No loan companies calling me. No baby mama talking about "Your son has swallowed soap,wire funds for hospital bills."I found peace.I thought to myself "Yahweh is a God of miracles man."

I even got comfortable enough to reach Sharon. She and I had a thing going on. A germinating seed.

Sharon asks "Why did you change your number?"

 I say," Don't worry baby,when life gets tough,the tough gets going."

Sharon is happy,"You are wise JB"

I say,"Yeah baby,you haven't seen nothing yet. That's why people call me Solomon."

We continue the shenanigans before she hangs up.I go back to my quiet world. Peace galore.

The same week was good for my soul. My buddy Kuttah calls to inform me he has landed a job in Middle East. I wish him good luck," Don't forget to bang those Muslim's asses bro. Go an extra round of strokes for us. Just one with hijab babes for the culture!" He thanks me for spitting wisdom. His call is followed by another call. I've just landed a job in the city. I'm starting to think " this new number brought me good fortune"

On the 2nd week,cold Monday morning.Its drizzling. The time is 4:00 am. My phone rings. It's a deep voice on the other end. " Where are you baby?" I get upset. Can't have a niggah calling me this early. I shout "Matako yako buana". The man laughs. He says "Still feisty,huh? Just the way I like it baby." I get mad. Lord is it because I have a small voice? Gay vibes at dawn? Can't this one see I was having a good week?

See,the problem is,the more I shouted at the fool,the more my voice got squeaky and the more he was turned on. He says in a raspy voice," Stop playing baby. You play too much." I decide to hang up. We are going nowhere with this stranger.

This new number though! Tuesday evening, I'm from work. A bachelor cooking my pathetic meals as I reflect my miserable life. Musa Juma is playing on the background when my phone rings. A sad voice comes on the other end," Hi Rael" I take a pause. This name sounds familiar. Isn't Real my ex? "Bro,I don't know Rael."

He continues, "Do you think what you did was good? Is it because I have one leg?"

I feel for the man.He sounds sad. I tell him politely,"Man I just got this number from Safaricom. I don't know Rael,but what did she do?"

He says," Bro,I don't even want to talk about it." I'm tempted to assure him we're good. "No man.Brothers share."

He goes quiet then says,"I sent Rael fare.She didn't show up. It has been six months."

At this point I'm thinking: Damn Rael! Really! Really! Eating a one-legged man's fare? This is what we are doing now?

I comfort him," look brother.I don't know a Rael but that was wrong.Next time maybe have them use their fare and then compensate when they arrive." He says "Thank you " and proceeds to hang up.

I promise myself to ask Rael if she knows these sexcapades. I must follow this.

See,all I want is peace man.All she had to do was not eat a one-legged man's fare. How hard is that? Is that too much to ask?

Now I have to go back to my old number and deal with my baby mama.My stubborn Leotina. Do you know how hard that is? I hate this place man! I can't have nothing in this country. In fact, there's no country here!

@AnotherKenyan